How do you know when you're done having children? Does the ache in your arms go away? Does the longing in your womb fade? Does you mind stop wondering is what we have, enough? Have all the cards been dealt? Are the chips as they lay?
Al booked his Vasectomy. November 11th. Seems oddly ironic that his procedure is on Remembrance day. A day to look back, reflect on the past, think of what others gave up for us. When I know that all I will be thinking of that day is the future. The what ifs. The what could have been.
We never imagined 3 kids. We never imagined boys.
3 kids isn't that bad. Having boys is wonderful.
I couldn't go through with a tubal. And I can't justify anywhere in my mind why not. The scalpel
was there, I was opened up. A mere 30 seconds more, and the procedure would have been complete. But I just couldn't do it. In my head, every time I thought I was ready to take that step, I just kept hearing over and over, "It's just so permanent." Permanent.
Now the decision is out of my hands. Logically, my head knows that we are going to have our hands full, and our wallets empty with 3 kids. My head knows that I would probably need medication to control my stress if there was any more. I know that I the luxury of only working a few days a week is only a luxury I can afford with what we have now. I know that no matter how I try to do it, I have a hell of a time delivering the babies I so adore.
My heart knows it will always have room for more. My arms still ache. My womb feels empty. And I can't stop wondering....
I'm sure that once the procedure is over that I will be fine. But until that day...I will weep for the children I will not have. I will wonder if my children will be happy as they are. I will worry that this is the right decision for us.
I never honestly thought Al would go through with it. Despite my own words. Despite telling everyone that I was still trying to convince my husband that it was his turn at bat. That "I carried three babies, now he can go under the knife." Despite all that, I never really believed he would do it.
I felt my knees go weak, and my vision blurred when he quietly handed me a piece of paper with his procedure date and information scrawled on it.
November 11th. It's hurtling at me at an ungodly speed. And the decision is out of my hands.
~Lisa~
6 comments:
hey isn't that rememberance day - something you'll never forget....
anyway, for me I knew as soon as the HPT showed positive that Joey would be my last.
I knew all throughout yet another horrible pregnancy that I forced myself to enjoy parts of, because I knew it would be my last.
When we found out we were having a boy - again - I knew there would never be an opportunity to have a girl - because we were soooooo done.
When dh's big "V" date was booked and I danced a little jig - I just knew we were done.
Now that Joey is mobile - and getting into everything - YES, I'm convinced 100% that we are done.
Still, I get all clucky when I see a women in the latter stages of pregnancy - I can't walk by a newborn without ooohing and aaahing at their tinyness and as much as I love the thought of having another wee one sleeping on my chest - the feeling passes pretty quickly. There are days when the ones I have seem like too much. Besides, as they are growing older, and we are getting out of the diapers and bottles (ok we're out of the bottles) I'm finding that despite making me feel so much older, I'm really enjoying having my kids grow up. It'll be nice to go to restaurants again, and there's so much I am looking forward to. We are done having new babies - but we are far far from done raising the spectacular ones we already have. "Done" sounds so final, but you are never ever done being a mum!
You're both still SO young and who knows what the future will bring. Honestly, if you feel this way about it I wouldn't go through with it.
When I had my Section/Ligation done there wasn't a single doubt in my mind that I was done. Now the thought of getting pregnant again brings tears of panic to my eyes and makes me wonder if Gunther'd consent to wearing condoms again. There is no doubt in my mind that I do NOT want anymore children nor is there any doubt in Gunther's. I think both of you need to be sure before you go through with something so very permanent. That's just my 2 cents... but with you both being in your 20s, with the fact that you will still be young when your kids are start school and with the fact that this is something you obviously haven't given up yet... I'd personally wait.
GL... I'll be there no matter what you decide if you need to talk/cry about it...
Hugs
Oh sweetie, I so hear you. I wanted a tubal when I had Mercy but because she was born in a Catholic hospital, they wouldn't do it. Which, in hindsight, was such a blessing, because now I don't know if we're done. THe thought of not having anymore babies makes my arms & heart ache. And I have horrid pregnancies. LOL
Now, before anyone hops on over to my blog to throttle me, keep in mind that we are waiting at LEAST 5 years before we have anymore. lol
Let this body rest.
Wow that turned into the Me show.
I'm sorry Lisa.
((((hugs))))
I so understand in SOOO many ways.
-J
Have you told AL you feel like this? Maybe he is scared too and going ahead to show you he loves you? I would truly look at any other way to ensure you don't get pg without doing a permanant procedure. I know that as Eli was born i knew, absolutely that he was my last, I still feel the odd pang about no more tiny baby or being pg but if I really imagine it I go cold, I know I just couldn't do any of it again, eli growing is exciting for me, we are having a ball watching him grow and have not one ounce of regret ..but we are in our 40's and KNOW we are done. Please be sure and truly get Al to be honest and see how you feel, much love, Helen.
Just want to say "here here" to what Helen said.
Be sure.
When I had my third, I was done. Or so I thought! DH was going to get the snip, but our insurance didn't pay for it.
Lucky for us, they didn't. 8 years later, we both very much wanted a 4th. And he's been a total joy to both of us as well as our older three children Lisa.
Tell Al, tell him now how you feel. Even ask him to just wait a year and see how both of you feel then.
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