It's hard to not BE enough.

It's hard to realize, that after 4 years, and 11 months of marriage, that after two children (Almost 3!), that after much heartache, determination, and all the love a girl can muster...that you're just not enough.

Let me explain. I am 8 months pregnant. In a mere one month and 3 days, I will be having yet another baby. And that baby will be no peanut let me tell you. I have big babies. Therefore, I get big. I get uncomfortable. I can't sleep, I can't roll over, I can't get comfortable. Many of the things I normally enjoy become a chore for me. Going for walks with my children, sitting for too long, standing for too long. Sleeping on my back or tummy. And, of course, sex with my husband. It's this last one that is making my heart ache, and my eyes leak.

It seems like every night, he comes on to me, becomes suggestive, makes his intentions known. And every night that I don't agree...he turns to the computer.

I can be on the couch, whether sleeping or not, and he's on the computer, about 8 feet away from me. Looking at porn. I understand that it happens. I understand that it's his outlet, or whatever. What I don't think I understand is why it has to be every night.

Why can't he just UNDERSTAND? Why can't he just roll over in bed, and cuddle with me, or rub my back? Why does he feel the need to "Not be tired anymore" come downstairs and look at even more porn?

He does try to cover his tracks. I'll give him that much. He's chosen different search engines to look up his favourite stuff. Smart...but he didn't clear the history. Not even one time.

He let me fall asleep on the couch last night. I finally woke up at 11:25, stiff as hell. he had just gotten off the computer. I walked past him said "goodnight, I'm going to bed now" and off I went. He comes storming up after me demanding to know what my "Problem" is? Why couldn't I tell him??? Why couldn't I let him know how hurt this is making me? All I could say was that I was tired and wanted to go to sleep.

He left the room then, took his pillow and alarm clock. Then proceeded to stomp around. He did take out the garbage, so that was a nice change. Cleaned the cat's little box too. Hmm...feeling guilty?? When he finally returned, and demanded answers, I still couldn't say anything about it. The closest I could get was to tell him that he was paranoid...that nothing was wrong.

I guess I feel like it's my fault for denying him all the time. That I am being selfish, and what else is he supposed to do?

But it still hurts.

~Lisa~